Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

A blind woman was walking down the street with her dog. They stopped at the corner for traffic. The dog began nipping at the lady’s leg. She reached into her coat pocket, pulled out a doggie treat and began waving it around.

A passerby who witnessed it all asked the woman why she was rewarding the dog for such bad behavior. The woman said, “Oh, I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his rear!”

Don’t take life too seriously.  Squeeze a smile on your face every time you can.  You’ll live longer.  Ask the Doc.  Good Day.

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Joke: Crushed Nuts

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself up slowly, painfully onto a tall stool.  After catching his breath, he order a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

He replied, “No, arthritis.”

No comments.

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A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn’t do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

If English is not your native tongue, this joke could require a bit of help from an English speaking person.  However, if your language is English, you’ll enjoy the use of witty puns.  English is a difficult language, but after a while it gets quite fun.  Good Day.

Source:  Miss Cellania

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There was a preacher who’s wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher’s family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children would cost the church.

Finally the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen.”

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A doctor, a minister, and an engineer were playing golf one day.

They were frustrated by the slow play of the foursome ahead of them. They couldn’t seem to hit the ball anywhere, they drove their cart into a tree, they stumbled around, lost balls and left them laying behind in obvious locations. Their golf performance was in total disarray.

They called over a course warden and asked if there was anything he would do to speed up their play. The warden apologized and then explained that this was a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight putting out a fire in the clubhouse the year before. Since then the golf course let them play whenever they wanted and didn’t hassle them.

The three friends thought about it and expressed appreciation for the golf club’s compassion.

The doctor said, “I have a couple of friends that are world-class eye surgeons. I will ask them if there is anything they could do to help.”

The preacher said, “I will have my whole congregation pray that God will send a miracle to help those poor firefighters.”

The engineer was quiet for a few minutes and then asked, “Why don’t they play at night?”

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Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.

‘Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?’ asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, ‘Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…..’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?

Ole said, ‘Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road… .’

The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie’.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans’.

‘Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her…’

‘After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes.  Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now vat da hell vould YOU say?’

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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: “Nerds Not Allowed—Enter At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

“Why did you do that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em!”

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