A Quote to Remember

“Change is inevitalble—except from a vending machine.”

—Robert C. Gallagher

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Joke: Making Faces

Ms. Smith, Johnny’s next door neighbor, stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces:  “Johnny, when I was your age, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that.”

Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t forewarned.”

Ms. Smith fainted.

Good Day! 

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Joke: Motivating Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

Little Johnny replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States.”

Source:  Miss Cellania

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Joke: Do Not Disturb

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

—“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried.   “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Source:  Miss Cellania

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Insults With Elegance

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband, I’d give you poisoned tea.”
He answered, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” That depends, Sir”, said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy” -Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”-Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” -Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one. “-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.  “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” -Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” -comedian Kip Adota

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” -John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” -Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” -Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” -Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” -Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -Groucho Marx

How did you like them green apples?  Good Day. 

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Joke: Searching in the Dark

A police officer saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.

—”Can I help you?” he asked.

—”I dropped my ring and I’m looking for it,” replied the blonde.

After helping the woman look for her ring, the officer thought to ask, “Are you sure you dropped it right right here?”

—”No,” she responded, “I dropped it about two blocks away.”

—”Then why the heck are we looking for it here?” asked the agitated officer.

“Because the light’s better here,” said the blonde.

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Meeting the Lord

(Credit: Bits & Pieces)

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Joke: Smart Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that! Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me and the lamp post, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his Corona beer sarcastically and says, “Bicycles.”

Good Day!

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Joke: A Little Math Test

A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the Dean won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.  Here is your first question, the Dean said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

—“Without numbers?” The Norwegian says, “Dat’s easy.” and proceeds to draw three trees.

—“What’s this?” the Dean asks.

—“Vot you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Norwegian.

–-”Fair enough,” says the Dean. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Dar ya go.”

The Dean scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

—“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The Dean is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, “All right last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Dar ya go. Von hundred.”

The Dean looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and pooped by each tree So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.”

—”So, ven do I start?”

I”ll bet this Norwegian was promoted to General Manager in less than a year.  Good Day.

Source: Bits & Pieces

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Joke: The Wire Brush

An Army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

—“What’s your problem, soldier?”
—“Chronic syphilis, sir”
—“What treatment are you getting?”
—“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
—“What’s your ambition?”
—“To get back to the front, sir.”
—“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”
—“Chronic piles, sir”
—“What treatment are you getting?”
—“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
—“What’s your ambition?”
—“To get back to the front, sir.”
—“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, soldier?”
—“Chronic gum disease, sir”
—“What treatment are you getting?”
—“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
—“What’s your ambition?”
—“To get the wire brush before the other two, sir”

I would give the last soldier a promotion, would you?  Good Day.

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