Joke: How It All Started

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light” and there was light. And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, “I know how I can get back in this game.”

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: “You want fries with that?” And Man said: “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man’s health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: “Do I look fat?”

And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.” And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn’t help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn’t help her, either.

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In Search of the Elusive Jesus Christ of San Miguelito

When I was studying at IPA (Instituto Pan-Americano) during 1962-1965, the major TV stations in Panama would broadcast the Sunday mass from the Church of Cristo Redentor on top of one of the many hills of San Miguelito.  I remember that nearby, there was an imposing metal statue of Jesus with his arms extended as if to embrace the world.  I would say, it closely resembles the gigantic statue of el Cristo Redentor del Corcovado of Río de Janeiro in Brazil.

After several years, the TV broadcasts were made from other modern locations of Panama City, and the iconic statue lost its charm and faded into oblivion.  No body spoke, or even remembered, that this structure existed in San Miguelito, specially the young generations of Panamanians.

On Sunday, December 13, 2009, my wife and I decided to find the whereabouts of this forgotten statue of San Miguelito.  I could hardly remember where it was located, so I had to depend on my wife’s memory.  She was right on the dot, and in less than 15 minutes, we were parking our car in front of the Iglesia de Cristo Redentor in San Miguelito.  Once there, we asked a person there, where we could find the statue.  He looked worried, and said, “If I were you, I would not go there.  It’s not a safe place.  Many persons have been mugged in this insecure place, and others have been killed.”  “Please stay away from this place, it is considered una ‘zona roja’” (red zone, meaning a extremely dangerous place).

We followed his advice.  While we approached the area from a respectable distance, a spokesman of the church whose name is Absalom, approached us and said he would accompany us to the safest place to view the statue.  At approximately 200 feet away from a hill, infested with weeds, we saw the figure of Jesus Christ with his arms extended.  Only he was looking in the opposite direction.  I could only see his back.

Absalom explained that the area had been taken by local gangs and drug dealers.  Even the  wide walls of the church were painted with graffiti, representing the territorial claims of the gangs.   Nobody dared to climb the hill to enjoy the view or visit the statue.  Jesus was there, alone, ostracized by crime and drugs.  We felt very sad of this situation.  Absalom noticed our  sorrow and gave us a small sermon about the absence of God in modern societies.

He said, the origin of violence, drugs, hatred, wars, gangs, and other social evils; originated by the vacuum of spiritual beliefs  by the people.  They have been hypnotized by the glare of consumerism.  Greed was the energy propelling societies around the world.  Family values have been forgotten.  Father and mother have been displaced by grandfathers and grandmothers, and by local gangs.  This was the new family of the XXIst century.  The nuclear family of the Industrial Revolution has been crushed by new institutions created by capitalism with a barbarian face.  In Spanish it’s called, “capitalismo salvaje.”

After listening to Absalom’s words of widsom for about half an hour, we prayed together holding hands.  Then we departed homewards.  Before leaving, I aventured taking a couple of photographs of the distant statue using my camera’s zoom feature.  That was the best I could do, considering the aforementioned unfavorable circumstances.  Here we go.

Photograph of the Cristo Redentor de San Miguelito lost in the middle of a vacant park, filled with tall grass and weeds. He could hardly hardly be seen. (Credit: ©Omar Upegui R.)

A distant picture of the Jesus Christ of San Miguelito taken from the premises of the church under the hill. The statue is a diminute dot in the middle of a lush tropical vegetation. He looks so lonely there without his followers. He has been currently kidnapped by crime and drugs. (Credit: ©Omar Upegui R.)

When we got home, we prayed together for our country, for our families and for our marriage.  We were certain that without God in our lives, we were headed for chaos.  Now that the Christmas Season is coming, we need God in the middle of the festivities.  Christmas is not about Christmas trees, presents, lights, toy soldiers, spirits, parties, or Santa Claus.  Christmas is about the birth of baby Jesus Christ in a humble manger who came to teach us the value of Love.  Good Day.

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Photo Gallery: Foliage II

Yesterday I included eight pictures of a beautiful park in Hato Pintado which is rarely found in large cities.  The beauty of this park is remarkable.  Inside it’s nice and cool, even though it might be hot and humid outside of the thick foliage.

Being there alone, surrounded by dark green grass and tall trees, it reminded me of the pantheism of Espinoza who compared Nature with God.  He was famous coining the Latin expression “Deus sive Natura” for the (Latin, God or Nature).   The slogan of Spinoza’s pantheism is that he viewed that God and Nature are interchangeable, or that there is no distinction between the creator and the creation.

Obviously I wouldn’t go as far as saying that Nature is God, but I will say though, that in Nature you can see the hand of God.  Nature has the ability to bring peace to the soul and also, there is a perfect unity in Nature.  I had that sensation yesterday while visiting the Hato Pintado Forest Park.

Below are more pictures of this quiet green spot in the middle of  hectic Panama City, Panama.  Here we go.

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

(Credit: Omar Upegui R.)

I’ll wrap it up at this point.  There are nine more pictures available for tomorrow’s post.  They include an interesting blend of color, shades and light which I found attractive.   Getting ready to go out take pictures of today’s Independence Day Parade at Via España.  Good Day.

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Story: Genesis – Her Version

Eve chats with God. “Lord, I have a problem.”

—“What’s the problem, Eve?”

—“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

—“And why is that Eve?”

—“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

—“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

—“Man? What is that Lord?”

—“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

—“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”

—“Well …you can have him on one condition.”

—“And what’s that Lord?”

“As I said he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring…so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret…you know, woman to woman.”

I’ll bet you never expected this ending.  Good Day

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Story: Genesis – His Version

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, ‘Lord, I have a problem.’

—‘What’s the problem, Adam?’, God replies.

—‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy’

—‘Why is that, Adam?’, comes the reply from the heavens.

—‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.’

—‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.’

—‘What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?’

‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice.

—‘Sounds great.’

—‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’

—‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies.

—’She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.’

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, ‘Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?’

The rest, as they say, is history.

Tomorrow I will post Genesis – Her Version. Stay tuned.  Good Day.

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Story: Raising Children

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.  And the first thing he said was, “DON’T!”

—“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

—“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.

—“Forbidden fruit?  We have forbidden fruit?  Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!”

—“No Way!”

—“Yes way!”

—“Do NOT eat the fruit! “ said God.

—“Why?”

—“Because I am your Father and I said so! “ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

—“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? “ God asked.

—“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

—“Then why did you? “ said the Father.

—“I don’t know,” said Eve.

—”She started it! “ Adam said.

—“Did not! “

—“Did too! “

—“DID NOT! “

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in the story!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Good Day! 

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Joke: The Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: “Lord grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.

The man said, ‘Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Source:  Miss Cellania

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Joke: Creation With Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

—”It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it.. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

—“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

—“That’s Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of aircraft and software.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There’s another Washington. Wait till you see the morons I put there.”

Source:  Bits & Pieces

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Joke: Never Mind

Bubba was driving down the street looking for an elusive parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer and bacon!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared out of the blue.

Bubba looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Source:  Bits & Pieces

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Joke: The Atheist and God

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”

Did I get at least one smile from you today?  Good Day.

Source:  Bits & Pieces

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