Wall Street’s New Vocabulary

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Source:  Bits & Pieces

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The Old and New Alphabet

OLD ALPHABET

A
is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

NEW ALPHABET

A
is for arthritis
B is for the bad back
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D
is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H
is high blood pressure–I’ d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket,won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia,in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo,the bones that don’t grow!

P
is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S
is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.

W
is for worry, NOW what’s going’round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have — in my mind.

Source:  Bits & Pieces

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