I know, it’s tough, arid, and sometimes irrational. I mean studying the English language. But taking a bad attitude will only make it more difficult. Instead, relax, take a deep breath and try to have fun. You might fall in love with the language. I know I have, after all these years.
Maybe the following text will put a smile on your face. It’s possible that you’ve seen it before, since it’s been around for a while. Still I feel it puts a twist of humor into the study of the language. Here we go.
“Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t grocer and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn’t Buick rhyme with quick?” 
Good Day.
Why is the singular of Suds a Bubble and not a Sud?
If you have a Cohort does that mean you’re the Hort? And what is a Hort, anyway?
Hi Richard:
I’m still working on it.
Bye,
Omar.-
I have practiced my English enough that it no longer disgusts me, so I guess now I’m gusted with it? haha
Spanish has its traps as well, Omar. Why is a male cow a toro and a female cow not a tora? Or should it be vaca and vaco?? jaja
The gender part of a language is the hardest part for me to get, it is not always as clear as it seems. But then I have only had a couple of real language classes, most of what I do know was learned from listening on the streets and so is very “rústico”.
jim and nena
fort worth, tx
Hi Jim and Nena:
I feel the same way. For the strangest of reasons I’ve made English my hobby. That’s why I look at it under a different perspective. The learning curve has a new ingredient—fun.
Spanish also has its own share of good, bad, and ugliness. Your example of toro and vaca is excellent. Conjugating irregular verbs is a pain in the neck as well.
What I love about the Spanish language is its phonetics; the way it sounds. Spanish poems are symphonies to the ear. Example:
“No seas como el necio, que al mirar la virgínea
imperfección del mármol que la arcilla aprisiona,
queda sordo a la entraña de la piedra, que entona
en recóndito ritmo la canción de la línea.”
—Enrique González Martínez
If you pronounce these words over and over again, you’ll hear delicate celestial music floating in the air.
The main purpose of a language is to communicate ideas. If you accomplish that, you have learned the language. The rest is snobbism.
Best Regards,
Omar.-
Nena reminded me of one of her favorites. This has appeared on hundreds of websites for years:
Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
Room Service: ” Rye. Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???”
Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”
Room Service: “Ow July den?”
Guest: “…..What??”
Room Service: “Ow July den?!?… pryed, boyud, poochd?”
Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please.”
Room Service: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”
Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”
Room Service: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”
Guest: “What?”
Room Service: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”
Guest: “I… don’t think so.”
Room Service: “No? Judo wan sahn toes???”
Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan
sahn toes’ means.”
Room Service: “Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?”
Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’…
Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
Room Service: “We bodder?”
Guest: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”
Room Service: “Wad?!?”
Guest: “I mean butter… just put the butter on the side.”
Room Service: “Copy?”
Guest: “Excuse me?”
Room Service: “Copy…tea..meel?”
Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… and that’s everything.”
Room Service: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy … rye??”
Guest: “Whatever you say.”
Room Service: “Tenjooberrymuds.”
Guest: “You’re welcome
We giggle every time we read it!
jim and nena
fort worth, tx
Hi Jim & Nena:
When I worked at a call center, I would listen to this kind of pronunciation all the time. It was a pain in the neck trying to understand what they were saying.
Very funny.
Take Care,
Omar.-
Linguists Brawl in Boston:
http://stupidassnews.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/brawl-erupts-at-convention-of-linguists/
Hi Robert:
Your article was absolutely hilarious. With time being a precious resource, I don’t understand how come rational people can lose their time with such stupid behavior. Beats me.
Thanks for the article and have a great day.
Omar.-
Hello Omar and friends,
This one circulated in the net. Here it is, just in case you haven´t read it:
“Un turista panameño escribió la siguiente carta de queja al gerente de un hotel de Londres:
Dier Señor Gerente,
Now I´m tella you di stori how I was trited at yor jotel:
I´m comma from Monagrillo as turis to London and estay as a young a man at yor jotel. When I comma my room I see is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I col down de recepshon and tella:
- I wanna shit.
Dey tella me:
- Go to the toillet.
I sey:
- No, no. I wanna shit in my bed.
They sey:
-You betta not shit in yor bed, you sonnawabitch!
( What is ‘sonnawabitch…’?)
I go down for restoran for breikfast. I order beicon and eggs and two pisses of toast, I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and points of toast:
-I wanna piss on my plate.
She den sey to me:
- You bloddy fella not piss on your plate, you sonnawabitch!
Second person who don even know me and col me ‘sonnawabitch’! What is ‘sonnawabitch’?
Later I go dinner into restoran. Spoon an knife is der but no fock. I tella waitress:
-I wanna fock,
and she tella me:
-Sure, everybody wanna fock.
I tella her:
-No, no, you don understan me: I wanna fock on the table.
She den tella me:
-So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Got your ass from here!
So I go to the recepshon and ask for thebills:
-I no wanna stay in dis jotel no more.
When I have pay de bills, the porter say to me:
-Thank you and peace on you.
I say:
-Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back to Monagrillo!
I never more comma stay in yor jotel, you sonnawabitch!
Sincirly,
Tranquilino Pérez céd: 6-123-022″