Each employee will receive 104 personal days per year of service. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, co-workers or pets. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture in situ will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can appear to be healthy.
- Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, consternation and input should directed elsewhere.
I’ll bet people work here until they retire. The benefits are so generous, it’s a great privilege to work here. (Tongue-in-Cheek.) Good Day.
Source: Old Horsetail Snake